Don't mess with me. I've got the fr*cking Timothy Award.

@jacksondame blog

Let's Rank the Best Heresies of All Time

Just for kicks and giggles I went onto Wikipedia the other night and decided to check out the definitive list of Christian heresies.

It was fun perusing through all of them (apparently there are A LOT of things to be wrong about), but I was dismayed to realize that no one has yet ranked the heresies. So gosh darn it, that's exactly what we're going to do right now!

I present to you, the best heresies of all time along with my personal commentary as to why each one is so great. (in reverse order)

4) Protestantism

"The great diversity of Protestant doctrines stems from the doctrine of private judgment, which denies the infallible authority of the Church and claims that each individual is to interpret Scripture for himself."

Protestantism is probably one of the most well known and widely accepted heresies, and it's the one I grew up in, so I kind of feel like I owe protestantism a favor and should probably give it a shoutout.

Shout out to you, Protestantism!

Honestly, I have no idea why so many protestants got upset when Rob Bell became a heretic. Like, y'all really should have thought about that before you became protestants.

 

3) Docetism

"Belief that Jesus' physical body was an illusion, as was his crucifixion."

This one deserves a spot purely because it uses the term "illusion" over "magic trick".

 

2) Triclavianism

"Belief that three, rather than four nails were used to crucify Christ and that a Roman soldier pierced him with a spear on the left, rather than right side."

I've assumed I was probably a heretic for quite some time now, but all doubt has now been removed with my discovery of Triclavianism. This is by far one of the best heresies because it is so utterly specific and ridiculous that you can easily dismiss wide swaths of the population with it. (That's what this is all about, right?)

It's sort of like at Christmas when your friend Joey who recently started seminary goes around telling people how there weren't *really* three magi or that all of the nativity scenes are historically inaccurate or some other crap like that.

Joey is so cool and now you can be just like him.

 

1) Reincarnationism

"Belief that certain people are or can be reincarnations of biblical figures, such as Jesus Christ and the Virgin Mary."

Do I even have to explain why this one made the list? Who wouldn't want to be some sort of biblical figure reincarnate?

I assume that this would function as a Christian version of the Hindu concept of reincarnation. Except, instead of Karma controlling who you become, your consistency with morning quiet times would dictate which figure you'd be reincarnated as.

So, based on my track record, that basically means I'd end up being an obscure character like Eutychus (you know, the kid who went to sleep, fell out a window, and basically died because Paul had 14 sub-points in his "3 point sermon")

If I could choose who I'd get to become though, I'd pick someone cool like Rhoda (the girl who got so excited when Peter knocked on the door after miraculously escaping prison that she totally forgot to open the door and let him in. Yeah, that'd be me.)

Okay, that's all I've got.

WAIT DONT LEAVE YET

Before you jump off my site and go back to mindlessly scrolling through Twitter, drop me a comment to let me know if you agree or disagree with my heresy rankings. Just keep in mind, under no circumstances can we agree to disagree. Ever.

Also, which biblical character would you want to be reincarnated as and why? 

If your response makes me laugh I might post it on Twitter.